


Music To Wake Up To: Extraction's Greatest Hits

by ineptshieldmaid, Trojie



Category: Inception (2010)
Genre: Character of Color, Crack, Ensemble Cast, Gen, Humour, M/M, Music
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-20
Updated: 2010-12-20
Packaged: 2017-10-13 19:56:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/141178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ineptshieldmaid/pseuds/ineptshieldmaid, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trojie/pseuds/Trojie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thirteen ridiculous tracks the team woke up to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Music To Wake Up To: Extraction's Greatest Hits

**Author's Note:**

> Much gratitude to kayloulee for a list of music that goes BOOM. The concept of 'festive glam-rock catsuits' actually belongs to the LOTR crackfic BagEnders, by Lady Alyssa and Random Dent.

[1\. Scotland the Brave](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scotland_the_Brave)

Here's the thing. Saito really loves bagpipes. Jigs, reels, mournful dirges: Saito has them all.

'But you're not even Scottish,' Ariadne wails, after one too many dreams ended to the stirring strains of 'Scotland the Brave'.

'A man's musical taste is not limited by his nationality,' Saito says calmly.

‘Absolutely not,’ Cobb says. ‘I particularly enjoyed 'Martyn's One-Horned Cow' yesterday.’ But he was the one who started with the endless Edith Piaf, so no one is entirely sure that his word is trustworthy in this instance.

‘My mother used to like bagpipes,’ Eames says, looking as if the memory was one he could have done without. ‘My father once told me that the piper was keeping a kitten inside and squeezing it, thus explaining the noise.’

'It's a glorious sound,' Cobb protests. 'Very … stirring. Not cat-torturing at all.'

‘Oh, shut up, Cobb,’ Yusuf says. ‘What happened, Eames?’

Eames smirks. ‘I walked right up to the piper at Mother’s birthday party, and asked to see the kitty.’

[2\. The 1812 Overture (Tchaikovsky)](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1812_overture)

'Was that stirring enough for you, Cobb?' Arthur asks as he's stripping the IV line out of his wrist.

'I personally found the twenty-one gun salute extremely invigorating,' says Ariadne in a voice so dry you could dehydrate hikers' rations with it. 'But was it necessary?'

'It wasn't bagpipes,' Arthur points out. 'It wasn't written by Mathieson or performed by Simon Fraser University.'

'It might have been better if it were,' Saito says, sitting up. 'I assume that 1812 is roughly the date on which that recording was made?’

'You can either have a classic performance or you can have high-end audio,' Arthur says, a tad belligerently. 'You can't have both.'

They stare at each other, both with elegantly raised eyebrows. Behind their backs, Cobb is mouthing 'what is going on with those two?' at Ariadne and Eames and getting back nothing but shrugging.

[3\. The Vivaldi Gloria](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gloria_%28Vivaldi%29)

‘So you prefer choral music, then,’ Arthur says, as soon as he opens his eyes.

Saito shrugs. ‘I _prefer_ bagpipes, but since you wanted a change...’

‘Interesting,’ Arthur says, sitting up. ‘I know this one is by far the more mature work, but personally, I prefer RV 588.’

‘You must agree that 589 makes a much greater impact, especially in the opening sequence. I _was_ trying to wake you up, after all,’ Saito says, taking the IV lines and packing them back into the PASIV case.

‘Are you familiar with Ruggieri's Gloria for Two Cori?,’ Arthur asks, still perched on his deckchair.

‘I’m afraid I’ve only seen it performed once,’ Saito says, apologetically. Arthur’s mouth thins, in the way it does when he refuses to admit he’s been outdone.

Ariadne rolls her eyes at them both. ‘Jeez, get a room already.’

‘Preferably a soundproof one,’ Eames adds.

‘Yes, then you can listen to your classical music in peace,’ Cobb says, brightly, as if this is the best idea he’s heard all day. Ariadne and Eames share a pained look.

[4\. Aida: The Grand March (Verdi)](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aida)

The Grand March is so long that Saito and Arthur have time to get halfway into a conversation about it _in the dream_ before the kick actually comes. When they wake, they're still talking.

'I was disappointed by the lack of elephants, though,' says Saito, rolling his sleeve back down and fastening his cufflinks fastidiously after removing his IV.

Arthur looks up from communing with the PASIV. 'Oh, come now. You can’t judge the entire performance on the presence or absence of elephants!' He actually seems mildly offended by the suggestion that Saito might do such a thing.

Rolling his eyes for Ariadne's benefit, Eames cuts in 'Yes, elephants are so hard to come by these days, what with the animal rights lobby and all...'

Saito is still hung up on his point. 'The elephants are an integral part of the experience,' he says patiently. 'Without elephants, it lacks an essential artistic dimension.'

'That’s it,' says Ariadne, interrupting before Arthur can begin to debate the artistic merits of pachyderms. 'Next time, Yusuf’s in charge of the music. Can we go back to Piaf, please?'

[5\. Wake Up Jeff (The Wiggles)](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wake_up_Jeff)

'What,' Arthur said as he opened his eyes, 'the almighty flying fuck was that?'

'Seconded,' Eames says. 'If that was Piaf, I'm eating my own shoes.'

Arthur looks down at Eames' shoes and gets a sudden, irrational stab of hope that it is Piaf.

'That, gentlemen,' Yusuf says with a smile, 'was the Wiggles. A children's entertainment group.'

'You torture children with that?' Ariadne asks.

'They like it!' Yusuf protests.

'That's what my aunt Darlene used to say about the chihuahuas she carried around in her handbag,' Ariadne says. 'Until one of them bit her on the elbow.'

‘They seem... wholesome,’ Cobb says.

‘And very nice people, too,’ Yusuf says. ‘I met them once, when we were living in Australia. My daughter has a signed poster - it says ‘Dear Zaynab: Keep Wiggling!’

Yusuf is relieved of the duties of disk jockey after that. Cobb comes back from his lunch break armed with every Wiggles CD in existence. No one quite has the heart to tell him that Phillipa is well out of the age range for the Wiggles, and James not too far behind her.

[6\. Turandot: Nessun Dorma (Puccini)](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nessun_dorma)

Saito's next choice of kick music does not, apparently, meet Arthur's stringent standards. He rouses with a sniffy expression, Ariadne notes.

And his first sentence is 'Pavarotti, Saito, really?' as if Saito has somehow let him down badly.

Saito is unfazed by Arthur's dismissal. 'Of course. He’s a master.' Yusuf comes forward to make sure everyone's being careful taking their IVs out and to take the headphones off Saito, presumably before Arthur can use them to garrotte him or something.

'More to the point, Nessun Dorma?' Eames asks, stretching until his spine pops audibly.

Yusuf, holding the headphones, shrugs. 'I rather like that one, actually,' he ventures.

Eames gets up and goes to the kitchenette, tried apparently to the point of needing medicinal tea. 'Have none of you any concept of irony?' he shouts at them all. 'And does anyone else want a cuppa?'

Arthur shouts back 'No. And no. Who’s going under next?' he asks. They have a job in a week, and he's starting to drive them hard, practising their layouts until they know them backwards. The idiocy with the kick music is just about the only amusement they appear to be allowed right now.

Arthur clearly needs to get laid. He's too wound up.

Ariadne has a sudden and mildly evil idea. 'Eames, Saito and Cobb,' she says, patting her pockets for her own iPod, and laying a proprietary hand over the PASIV as Eames comes back to his chair, having gulped his tea.

[7\. Who Do You Think You Are (The Spice Girls)](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Who_Do_You_Think_You_Are)

Eames is the first to wake from the latest dreamscape. Fortunately for his sanity, Ariadne, who was in charge of things topside this time, has left the others to sleep it off, and dragged him to the other end of the warehouse.

'Was that a fun little trip down Memory Lane?' she asks.

Eames, whose head is still informing him he needs to swing it, shake it, move it, make it, glares at her to the best of his ability. 'I never was, and never will be, a Spice Girls fan,' he says severely.

'I'm sure you'd like me to believe that,' Ariadne says, smiling sweetly. 'But you do have sixteen Facebook profiles under different assumed names and one of them has you tagged in an album titled “The Spice Girls Incident”.'

Eames groans and covers his eyes with one hand. 'It was only once, for a Halloween party, for heaven's sake!'

Ariadne clearly never had the lecture about using one's powers for good, not evil. 'You still don't want me to tell Arthur, though, do you?'

'Would you want Arthur told, if it was you?' Eames asks, attempting to appeal to her better side.

She shrugs. 'I was always more of a Sporty Spice.' Apparently she doesn’t have a better side.

'You aren't helping.'

'You clearly put in a lot of effort though. There was a Union Jack dress and everything.'

She clearly isn't going to let go of this, which means Eames has only one tactic left open to him, which is that of brazening it out. 'And a pair of platform boots, if you must know, and I maintain that I walk better in them than you ever would,' he says, mentally adding 'bitch,' and knowing from her grin that she understands him perfectly.

'I bet you still know all the moves to 'Stop', don't you,' she says. 'You know, if we got Cobb, Saito and Yusuf in on it, we could embarrass Arthur horribly at the birthday party he's not having because he doesn't know we know his birthday.'

Eames considers this, and then does a speedy casting assessment and arrives at an intriguingly horrific line-up. 'By process of elimination,' he says slowly, 'you are suggesting we put Cobb in a pink negligee and give him a blonde wig.' He considers. 'You know, I think I still have that dress and those boots in storage somewhere.'

She raises an eyebrow. 'Okay, that was mostly a joke, but whatever, we will have words about that later. Right now, I actually need your help.'

'Oh yes?'

'Am I right in thinking Arthur and Saito seriously need to get a room?'

Thank Christ. He isn't the only one who's been noticing it. 'The thought had crossed my mind,' Eames says nonchalantly.

Ariadne continues, 'And that I'm not the only one sick to death of being woken up by Wagner?'

'You surely are not,' Eames concedes. 'Although actually, they haven’t got to Wagner yet,' he feels he has to point out, in a spirit of fairness.

Ariadne rolls her eyes. 'Give them time.'

Thinking of being startled out of a dream by 'Ride of the Valkyries', Eames shudders. 'Let’s not.'

'So you'll help me, then?' she asks. 'We need to sabotage their every attempt at musical man-flirting.'

Eames considers this. 'On one condition,' he says, spotting an opportunity.

Ariadne is learning. She narrows her eyes. 'What's that?'

'You don't tell Arthur about me and the Spice Girls thing,' he says.

She thinks about it, but in the end, she says 'Done.'

They don’t so much hatch a plan as a campaign of annoyance. But it is, at least, an epic campaign.

[8\. The Volga Birthday Song](http://www.faqs.org/faqs/music/birthday-dirge-faq/)

They start with Arthur’s birthday. The question of impersonating the Spice Girls has been put off, due to the impossibility of convincing Saito to assume the position of Posh Spice. Eames decides to commemorate the occasion as best he can, anyway.

It doesn’t go off quite as he’d planned.

‘Who told you -’ Arthur says, coming awake with a snap.

‘Arthur, darling, you’re not the only one who conducts background checks on his co-workers.’

Arthur glowers at him. ‘Well, that was a long time ago.’

‘Twenty-eight years ago, in fact,’ Ariadne says, coming around the corner, bearing cake and candles. ‘Make a wish, Arthur!’

‘Twenty-eight?’ Arthur looks confused.

‘I thought you triple-checked his files,’ Ariadne asks, raising her eyebrows at Eames.

‘I did,’ Eames says. ‘And I asked Cobb, too.’

Arthur looks alarmed, now. ‘Cobb doesn’t know about -’ he shuts up suddenly.

‘About your birthday? Of course I do,’ Cobb says, looming over Arthur’s shoulder. ‘Now blow out your candles.’

‘If you’re talking about the three years you spent in the Society for Creative Anachronism,’ Eames says, grinning broadly, ‘I know about that, too.’

Arthur gives him the finger, but he does blow out his candles, and makes grumpy faces as Yusuf conducts the team in a round of ‘For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow’. Saito, all of his own accord, plucks the knife from the tray which Ariadne is carrying, and presents it, handle-first, to Arthur.

‘If it comes out dirty, you have to kiss the nearest boy,’ Ariadne says brightly. Eames thinks, for about two seconds, that everything is going according to plan. Then he realises that Cobb is still leaning over Arthur’s shoulder.

[9\. The Element Song - Tom Lehrer](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_element_song)

Ariadne and Eames briefly flirt with the idea of actually telling Cobb what their mission is, but after his one attempt at fighting the tyranny of endless orchestral and choral pieces is aimed in entirely the wrong direction, they decide to leave him out of it.

This isn't to say that his attempt isn't _amusing_ , however.

'I thought you'd like it!' Cobb says, shrugging.

Yusuf, his hair awry from having had his fingers dragged through it rather too often, glares at him. 'It is not helpful to have one's ability to remember the periodic table reduced to 'Antimony, arsenic, aluminium, selenium!'

'Don't forget hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium,' Eames chimes in helpfully. Yusuf stares at them all in disgust and marches out the door to Starbucks.

[10\. Merry Christmas Everybody (Slade)](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Merry_Xmas_Everybody)

The next time there's an opportunity to continue with The Plan, it's early December, which means Eames has a lot of seasonally-appropriate material to choose from. He wonders briefly what Arthur's opinion on festive music is, and then figures that Arthur could use some Christmas spirit whatever his opinions.

It just so happens that Arthur has occasion to go under solo to test a new layout (because apparently he's too efficient to take a proper lunchbreak), and he's not as suspicious as he probably should be when Eames volunteers to look after him while he's under. It's easy as pie to swap out Arthur's iPod for Eames's own once he's down.

Arthur wakes up with an expression of righteous vengeance rather than the beatific smile Eames was aiming for.

'Aah, you're awake,' Eames says. 'How was Ariadne's latest creation?'

Arthur ignores the pleasantries. ' I'm going to kill you,' he says. 'If that gets stuck in my head, I will actually kill you and leave your remains for the wolves.'

'Doesn't it make you feel all festive inside?' asks Eames innocently.

'It makes me want to burn the entire nineteen seventies,' says Arthur, grinding his teeth.

Eames looks down at his wardrobe choice for the day. 'So I take it my festive glam-rock catsuit is not likely to be a sartorial winner then?'

‘I was enjoying it,’ Yusuf says, and _leers_ at Eames.

‘Yusuf!’ Ariadne says, mock-scandalised. ‘You’re married!’

‘Doesn’t stop me appreciating a fine arse when I see it,’ Yusuf retorts.

‘Indeed,’ Saito says, standing up from his deckchair. ‘Please, feel free to continue celebrating Christmas in whatever outfit suits you best.’

Eames is more than a little horrified.

[11\. Monster (Arashi)](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monster_%28Arashi_song%29)

Eames is unwilling to risk facing Saito’s wrath - what if it all goes back to bagpipes? Ariadne, however, is made of sterner stuff.

This, too, almost backfires on them.

‘Miss Ariadne! I was not aware that you enjoyed Japanese pop music,’ Saito says, looking surprised and pleased.

‘Oh,’ Ariadne says, nonchalantly. ‘Not terribly. My undergraduate roommate was a big fan, though.’

‘That was 'Monster', wasn’t it?’ Arthur asks, sitting up. ‘You must be keeping up with the scene, that was only released last year!’

‘Just a few bands,’ Ariadne says, and it’s at about this point that they realise the plan may be going awry.

‘You are familiar with Arashi?’ Saito says, turning his surprised-and-pleased look on Arthur.

‘Oh, a little,’ Arthur says. ‘I prefer the KinKi Kids, to be honest.’

‘Really?’ Saito looks intrigued. ‘What about more veteran artists?’

Arthur shrugs. ‘I’m afraid I’ve only seen Mr Children live a few times,’ he says, a little sadly.

‘If you’ve doomed us to a month of J-Pop,’ Eames mutters, in Ariadne’s ear, ‘I will kill you _very slowly_. And painfully.’

[12\. Sex On Fire (Kings of Leon)](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Your_Sex_Is_on_Fire)  


Eames decides to go for the obvious route. This week alone they’ve been subjected to 'O Fortuna', Elgar’s 'Pomp and Circumstance', and the dreaded 'Ride of the Valkyries'.

He and Ariadne get Arthur and Saito to go under alone. Together. They may or may not start the warning music several minutes earlier than they need to. The more time, and the more obvious the hint, the better.

Eames happens to _like_ the Kings of Leon, so he rigs up a splitter and pumps the track out of Cobb’s sound system as well as into Arthur’s headphones. And perhaps he’s getting a little bored of the Plan by now, because he and Ariadne are dancing around (badly. Ariadne dances _very_ badly) when Arthur and Saito wake up.

No one says anything about the music. Not even when Ariadne asks ‘So. How was the dream?’ Saito just says something non-committal and adjusts his cufflinks.

Arthur stands up and says, ‘Eames, may I have a word with you?’

Eames follows him out of the warehouse, and they lean side by side against the wall and study the fascinating sight of next door’s loading bay.

‘This is getting ridiculous, Eames,’ Arthur says.

‘You’re telling me,’ Eames agrees. He has the sudden and horrible presentiment that he is about to be required to give _Arthur_ dating tips. This part was certainly not in the plan. Maybe he should have brought Ariadne out here as well.

‘What are you going to do about it?’

‘Me?’ Eames asks, as if he hasn’t already being doing something about it. ‘What are _you_ going to do about it?’

Arthur gives him a look, like he’s an adorable but particularly stupid puppy that’s just failed to roll over. ‘It’s your love life, Mr Eames.’

Hang on. ‘It’s my - what? Who said anything about my love life?’

‘Honestly, Eames. What do you think we’re talking about? You and Ariadne, of course.’

‘Me and...’ _Oh_. ‘What, no no, Arthur, don’t be ridiculous, you’ve got it all wrong!’

‘Really?’ Arthur lifts one eyebrow. ‘You’re as thick as thieves these days. And you’ve been acting even stranger than usual, which I can only assume is an attempt to impress her. I have to tell you, though, I think she’s far too young for catsuits - she can’t have even been _alive_ in the nineteen seventies.’

Eames stares at Arthur.

‘Seriously, Eames,’ Arthur says. ‘Just ask her out.’

‘But... what about you and Saito?’ Eames splutters.

‘What _about_ me and Saito?’

‘So you admit there’s something between you and Saito!’ Eames points a triumphant finger at Arthur.

‘Of course,’ Arthur says. ‘What, you wanted a handwritten notice? _Dear Eames, I am now sleeping with Saito, feel free to congratulate me on my wonderful and well-fucked life_?’

Eames narrows his eyes at Arthur. ‘For how long?’ he demands.

‘Oh...’ Arthur studies his fingernails. ‘Since Vivaldi, I think.’ And he _smirks_ , in a way that tells Eames he knows exactly what Eames and Ariadne have been up to.

[13\. Friends in Low Places (Garth Brooks)](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friends_in_low_places)

For a few blessed weeks they all come to an unspoken agreement on Ella Fitzgerald. Eames has to tell Ariadne that apparently Arthur and Saito have been at it like bunnies for months, and also that Arthur thinks _they_ ought to be sleeping together.

Eames proffers this last piece of information apologetically, and hopes it doesn’t make things awkward. Ariadne looks more intrigued than offended, though, which is... interesting.

Then one week in March they leave Cobb and Yusuf topside while the rest of them work on the layout of a new dreamscape. They wake up to the mournful strains of Garth Brooks, which is, on the cheerfulness scale, even worse than Edith Piaf. Cobb has obviously figured out how to plug in Eames’ splitter, too, because the track is playing in the warehouse, and Yusuf is glowering at them from the other side of the room.

Cobb is standing over them all with a distinctly soppy look on his face. Ariadne wonders which of them he’s trying to seduce, and didn’t they have a Rule Against Country Music?

‘What happened to Piaf?’ Arthur asks. He, alone of all of them, does not seem confused.

Cobb shrugs. ‘This seemed... more suitable. This year.’

‘When is country music _ever_ suitable?’ Yusuf demands. Cobb looks stricken for a moment.

‘What’s this all about, Cobb?’ Arthur asks, gently.

Cobb makes an inarticulate gesture with his hands. ‘You guys are... well, you’re my _friends_ ,’ he says, not really looking at any of them. ‘I wanted you to know that.’

Arthur smiles, just a tiny uptick of his mouth. ‘We know that, Cobb.’ He squeezes Cobb’s shoulder awkwardly. ‘Coffee?’

‘Yes _please_ ,’ Cobb says, apparently relieved to be excused from further conversation. He follows Arthur out of the room.

‘What was that all about?’ Ariadne says, looking from Eames to Saito and back again. ‘Yusuf, what the hell just happened?’

‘Cobb wouldn’t let me play _Magical Mister Mistoffolees_ , that’s all I know,’ Yusuf says. He looks distinctly put out.

‘I believe today is the anniversary of Mr Cobb’s wedding,’ Saito says, calmly. ‘And also of Mrs Cobb’s death.’

The Rule Against Country Music is amended to allow special exemptions for Cobb on his anniversary.

**Author's Note:**

> We tried to embed either a) official music videos and/or b) good quality recordings where we can. We were unable to use the official video for Sex On Fire, because it's blocked in Australia.
> 
> ED: Mea culpa! Apparently the Gloria for Two Cori, RV Anh 23, was not written by Vivaldi at all, it's just, for some reason, [listed on the wiki page for Vivaldi's gloria](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gloria_%28Vivaldi%29#RV_Anh._23). Inept would like to acknowledge that she actually knows jack all about choral music, and is editing the fic accordingly.
> 
> Update 2016: several embeds were defunct. Inept came back through and added new clips for 'Friends in Low Places' and 'Nessun Dorma' and swapped the music video of 'Monster' for a live performance.


End file.
